Shyness… but not really?

I have felt as though in recent years, I have started to become more shy. But shyness isn’t the right word. It’s as though you just want to not talk, but other people mistake you as shy. I’ve started to become more educated in this matter and have learned many things. *All this is based on books and experience. 

It’s something called sensitivity, that nearly 20% of the population has. It’s different from being and introvert (people that are drained from socializing) ( but is somewhat correlated) and shyness (you can love to socialize, but are afraid of what other people think of you.)

This sensitively basically means that your nervous system is more sensitive to stimuli than others. This the bases neurology of introversion and extroversion. Sensitive people have the ability to notice very subtle changes of the environment, are easily overwhelmed, usually are affected by others moods, more proactive to depression and anxiety and many other traits. But not all introverts are sensitive, and not all extroverts are NOT sensitive. Also, not all sensitive people have these traits. 

Sensitive people are usually seen as quiet, shy, and easily hurt. It doesn’t been you don’t have the social skills, in basic terms, it means you see everything around you, all the details, and this causes you to feel tired after being in a social environment for too long.

I need to tell you something: there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you, yes we tend to worry a lot, and tend to be misunderstood. But we need to find and fit into this pro-extrovert society (in most of the world). Socializing may seem complicated to you, like it seems to me, just relax , take a deep breath, and enjoy your own company, with the exposure of other from time to time. 

This post didnt even lover 10% of the wonderful information that can be found on this. When I read the books, I felt understood, and life seemed to make a little more sense. 

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My brush with anorexia

Anorexia is a scary thing. So many girls AND boys are strained through this mental challenge. Just any form of an eating disorder is a traumatic and painful experience. But most people don’t understand,people who have never had one.  Some do, but they are the rare gems that make us reach to the light.

 

My experience started a year ago, when I decided I was just too fat. I was 118 ibs for 5’4. I remember looking at my stomach, my chipmunk cheeks and thing “this is the end”. Although, I’ve come to realize I was wrong

I started the water diet. It’s a diet where for a week you eat very little of these various foods: on different days: apples, carrots, apples again, carrots, carrots, apples (I’m going to go insane. By the last day I had lost 10 pounds. This was further discouraging because the friendly friend “the internet” told me it was all WATER weight. Oohhhh I had such a breakdown. At the time I was also participating at track and field at my school, whilst running 5 miles per day.

At the end of the school year  binges occured more often. I remember the last day of school, socially I felt like I was a mess, my mom picked me up, I went to Steak ‘n Shake and got a large cookies and cream milk shake. Then before we left with my family to celebrate at Carabas, I jumped a rope for 3 hours. I then ate and ate like I was eating for my whole family. I felt so horrible, diseased. My stomach felt like it was going to have a baby right then and there in the restaurant.

By this time I was around 95 ibs. We left America to Russia. On the plane I was scared to eat anything, I was scared of food. I only ate things that I knew were on my “list”. I had oatmeal with milk.

Skip 3 months, the end of summer, after many breakdowns and constant worries, body checks, I was not free. But I felt happier, I was challenging myself, re-learning what sugar tasted like, what taste was, and liking it.

I was still at a low wight. I was stealthily and painfully slowly increasing my calories, I saw a dietitian and I started to make a dramatic increase. I was gaining weight. I ate food and was not scared of it anymore, I finally loved my body, but it just wasn’t enough for my family. They wanted to see me beaming, and they were right. In the winter break, I ate everything at a limited calorie rate, I still counted. I often binge in the morning, but this was not a big problem.

When I returned from Florida, I realized I had gained some weight. It’s funny, when I thought I was normal, I discovered I was scrawny, I feel as though this will happen every time. The next few months, I found an amazing and supporting community on Instagram. The ed community. This place helped me get though a lot of fears and finally one day, after eating a pint of ice cream (not feeling one but guilty) I told myself I had recovered,.

I loved my body I was a perfect weight, but then I stared to binge, there were times where I would eat and eat until it was physically painful, then feel hugely ashamed at myself. Strangely I only gained 4 ibs. I went though a phase not too long ago where all I wanted to do was lose weight, this stage has passed. And I,m in the same, tranquil environment as before, I don’t participate in the ed community anymore, due to too much time spend on it.😁

I’m happy I went though this. I’m proud of myself it only took one full, long year to recover, stay strong!

 

From American girl to Russian Matrushka

I rarely really want to talk about where I come from or why I moved to other people. Only to people who are REALLY interested. It’s very personal to me. 

It’s been almost a year since I’ve moved from my cozy quiet town in Florida to Moscow. To be honest, I didn’t really like Tampa, I didn’t have many friends, so I felt like I had nothing to lose. It’s actually quiete a complicated story. My parents for the past two years before I moved, had been having a dreadful and longing fight. The battle between them was I aways there in the back of my head. The 8th grade, was torture for me. Everyday after school I would get off the bus walk 5 minutes home, my face sticky and my body uncomftorable, I would flop down on the couch and just eat. After that I would go to my room and until 12 am listen to music. Not the most healthiest life style. My mom was in a trance, and my dad was inept. My life was ok, I had all the essentials but it was like a cowboy standoff, who would shoot first? It was unsettling, my nature in itself is very neurotic, I think if a less worrisome teenager was in my place it wouldn’t have worried her so. Anyway I didn’t want to hang out with anyone, rarely even my best friend. She’s an extrovert, and I didn’t really tell her about my family ordeals. She knew vaguely that something was not right, although she insisted on “hanging out” to make me feel better. 

I remember in the winter, it was one of the worst in my life. The winter before that summer we traveled to Moscow. It was tense, I’ll skip to the end, where my dad flights home and me, my mom, and my brother stay in Russia. The two weeks where my mom was contemplating. My mom had been having an affair with Denis for a little while now. I understood. I remember we were laying on the icy kitchen floor while my mom cried “promise you”ll stay with me.” I promised her. We were at the airport, my dad was bewildered that my mom can do such a thing. My mom, in these cases gets very nervous and stressed, she had a breakdown as she was buying the ticket. I hated to see her like that. I remember the first time she did not buy the ticket, she kept on stalling, I was so annoyed with her, I honestly did not like her or anyone at that time. The 2nd time we did, but only with my grandma with us. She kept on going away and calling someone to ask ” is this the right thing”?? I persuaded her to get on the plane. To me I couldn’t imagine just tossing everything out the window and living in Russia. I realized she was crazy if she didn’t get her way. She cried cried and cried on the flight home while my brother, also cried, I too cried. Everyone was looking at us as if we were crazy. And maybe we were. It was really foggy. Then when were retured it really hurt to be back. Don’t get me wrong there were good times. Like going shopping with my mom, making music videos with my best friend, and going to the zoo. That year was just stamped HARD and DONT OPEN in my memory. In Spring I developed an eating disorder, I conquered it. A year after. 

Surprise. One day in the summer, we decided to go to the beach, my grandma, me , my bother, and my mother. In the back of my head I always have these impulses to what is happening and if something isn’t right, I usually know. So I knew by my moms behavior, and what do you know we were at the airport. My reaction was as you would expect a 13 year old to be. I’ll just skip the part where I would have stressful breakdowns. It was hard including the fast that my e.d. became the strongest at the point. I needed all my food prepared and my body image was ruined. That summer had many good events, and everything seemed to get better, mentally. 

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my life, but clichély, I would not change any of them. I life the person I am now.I can thank these experiences for putting me here. My mom is a much better person, my dad is finding a new wife, and living in America. We visit with my brother every winter and every summer. My eating disorder does not have a handle on me anymore, I realized that my life is very adventurous and I’m blessed.