Anorexia is a scary thing. So many girls AND boys are strained through this mental challenge. Just any form of an eating disorder is a traumatic and painful experience. But most people don’t understand,people who have never had one. Some do, but they are the rare gems that make us reach to the light.
My experience started a year ago, when I decided I was just too fat. I was 118 ibs for 5’4. I remember looking at my stomach, my chipmunk cheeks and thing “this is the end”. Although, I’ve come to realize I was wrong
I started the water diet. It’s a diet where for a week you eat very little of these various foods: on different days: apples, carrots, apples again, carrots, carrots, apples (I’m going to go insane. By the last day I had lost 10 pounds. This was further discouraging because the friendly friend “the internet” told me it was all WATER weight. Oohhhh I had such a breakdown. At the time I was also participating at track and field at my school, whilst running 5 miles per day.
At the end of the school year binges occured more often. I remember the last day of school, socially I felt like I was a mess, my mom picked me up, I went to Steak ‘n Shake and got a large cookies and cream milk shake. Then before we left with my family to celebrate at Carabas, I jumped a rope for 3 hours. I then ate and ate like I was eating for my whole family. I felt so horrible, diseased. My stomach felt like it was going to have a baby right then and there in the restaurant.
By this time I was around 95 ibs. We left America to Russia. On the plane I was scared to eat anything, I was scared of food. I only ate things that I knew were on my “list”. I had oatmeal with milk.
Skip 3 months, the end of summer, after many breakdowns and constant worries, body checks, I was not free. But I felt happier, I was challenging myself, re-learning what sugar tasted like, what taste was, and liking it.
I was still at a low wight. I was stealthily and painfully slowly increasing my calories, I saw a dietitian and I started to make a dramatic increase. I was gaining weight. I ate food and was not scared of it anymore, I finally loved my body, but it just wasn’t enough for my family. They wanted to see me beaming, and they were right. In the winter break, I ate everything at a limited calorie rate, I still counted. I often binge in the morning, but this was not a big problem.
When I returned from Florida, I realized I had gained some weight. It’s funny, when I thought I was normal, I discovered I was scrawny, I feel as though this will happen every time. The next few months, I found an amazing and supporting community on Instagram. The ed community. This place helped me get though a lot of fears and finally one day, after eating a pint of ice cream (not feeling one but guilty) I told myself I had recovered,.
I loved my body I was a perfect weight, but then I stared to binge, there were times where I would eat and eat until it was physically painful, then feel hugely ashamed at myself. Strangely I only gained 4 ibs. I went though a phase not too long ago where all I wanted to do was lose weight, this stage has passed. And I,m in the same, tranquil environment as before, I don’t participate in the ed community anymore, due to too much time spend on it.😁
I’m happy I went though this. I’m proud of myself it only took one full, long year to recover, stay strong!
Mangos for Tangos 